Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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