So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
