"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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