"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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