I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
