just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
