I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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