Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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