I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
