Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
