remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
