First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
