highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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