i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
