I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize