Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
