The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
