if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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