Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
