Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I did not marry a roomba.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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