No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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