my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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