we need to drink 2009 down the drain
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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