I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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