i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
