and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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