omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
