I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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