When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
