It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
