she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Houston, we have a squirter
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
