I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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