Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
