I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
