I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
