it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
