Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
