If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
