Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
