My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
