i just sent this text using only my big toe
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
