i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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