Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
