Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
