nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
