Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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