Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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