i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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