After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
