I'm lost and stupid without you.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
