Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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