So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
