he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
