He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
