I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
