where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
