Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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