You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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