so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
